Every Sporting Event Should Be Called By The Most Stereotypical Fan Possible

One of the many highlights of yesterday’s NCAA lax championship was the announcers. They were perfect and made me come to the conclusion that every single sport should have the most cliched broadcasters possible. Eamon McAnaney and Quint Kessenich (yes, real names, further proving my point) were just a couple of bros in the booth watching the boys play with the spoons out there. If you told me that Eamon and Quint were slamming Natties and doing push-ups the whole time I wouldn’t even bat an eye, they fit the scene that perfectly.

All I’m looking for when I’m watching sports is fun. That’s it. If you can do both then it’s a bonus, but I’m mostly here for entertainment. That’s why I want Eck in the booth at all times, he thinks he’s calling the game from the bullpen. I want the lingo and the slang, and the feel that I’m sitting right next to him in the ‘pen. I want hockey games called by a couple of drunk juniors players up in Canada who will discuss equally the dangles on the ice and the rockets in the stands. Don Cherry is also acceptable, though that’s basically the same thing as previously described. For basketball, give me And1 or Rucker Park guys and a “color commentator” who just calmly says the N word non-stop, with different levels of inflection and disbelief, after great plays. Football? Former strength coaches who only know how to scream, “RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!!”

This is all I want in life.

I’m not asking to get rid of the dry professionals that every national network has, but give us another option. Right next to the SAP give me a BRO button. You want to hear a couple of washed up guys who are still convinced they could go out there and compete? Click that button and welcome to heaven. I’d never attend a live sporting event again if that was an option.